Now and then

Not only do I enjoy that movie by the same name… but I feel the title is fitting of what has just occurred.
I have the perfect example to see how my life has changed in 8 years… I found an old diary entry(it’s on my livejournal page if anyone cares). I wrote it in my final year of highschool.
From reading my old entry from highschool I can reflect.

I clearly still suffer from loneliness. However it’s a different sort of loneliness now, I believe.
I’ve spent so many years building up walls, that it’s very difficult to penetrate and actually connect with me at a real intimate level.

I’ve got a great set of friends – although we are all insanely busy. I have amazing relationships with my colleagues and even better with my students. I’ve somehow managed to repair the strained relationship with my parents…. although I’m still not the biggest fan of my dad. I love him, even though he was so cruel to me. Mom is a legend and I just want to hug her all day long. I miss them. I am well liked and popular – not because of who I know, or what I’ve done – but because of who I am…. and what I stand for… which gives me strength in that knowledge. The confidence to be myself.

When I moved to Australia a little after writing that entry… It really was the make or break moment in my life.
To move to a country where you know no-one, and know nothing about it… and are fresh out of highschool with little money and no support system – you really learn quickly about who you are and how to look after yourself…

My folks thought I would go off the rails… but rather I did the opposite. I got my life together and cleaned up my act. I email them every week – to keep in touch.

Today I’ve finished three qualifications at uni. Am employed in a great job, actually have enough money for once… living in a sweet four bedroom house with my bro. I’m still crazy about animals and once I have rebuilt the fence in the backyard (when I have some free time on the weekends) I am totally buying a puppy – or close enough…. we’ll see what the rspca has to offer.

I’m still single – It is partly by choice, partly by circumstance. Since moving to Aus in 2002, I have dated one person. That ended early 2003. It’s not like I haven’t had pursuers or offers – but I’m really just not into wasting my time and affection on the wrong person. I’m still looking for my mister charming… and I suppose it’s kinda getting me down that I haven’t found him yet.

I’m glad I have never had one night stands, or slept with a bazillion guys. In highschool I didn’t. Since highschool I haven’t. I’m a firm believer that sex is something special shared between two people in love who have a stable relationship… How old fashioned of me… and so far I haven’t ventured away from this ideal with my actions. I have also managed to avoid the hardcore trend where everyone hooks up with everyone. I haven’t dated anyone in the scene yet… which also means I haven’t been chopped.. ha ha. what a term.

I miss hockey – and I think I am going to start playing again next year. I was watching South Africa play Australia for the women… and it hit me… that if I hadn’t given it up – I would have been on the tv – in that very match. Reality sucks erh..

“Every flower stares and watches… as the leaves slowly die”

Currently listening to Have Heart


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