-The 5 Dumbest Things to Ask a Vegan
Q: So no dairy, eggs, nothing? Do you eat fish?
A: Okay, Einstein, what part of “I don’t eat any animals don’t you get?” Most people assume fish are animals, right? Do you think they grow on trees? In the ground? (If they flash you a puzzled look, it’s time to leave the room).
Q: Isn’t part of our nature to eat other animals? I mean, if a lion had the chance, he’d surely eat me. (Chuckle, chuckle)
A: That may or may not be true, I’m not a expert in Cro Magnon Man’s eating habits. But what I do know is that lions also incestuously rape their offspring and many times, kill them when they’re young. So according to your logic Mr. Spock, your nature must also tell you it’s okay for you to get nasty with any of your family members. That is, of course, when you’re not trying to kill them. Could I have your address and phone number, I think your family is in danger.
Q: Why do you eat those fake meat products? You must really miss eating meat.
A: No, I do not miss eating dead animals. I eat whatever tastes good to me. If it happens to be a meat analog, then so be it. They have tons of protein and I can get wacky crazy in cooking with them. I haven’t had bloody flesh in so long, I doubt if I remember what it even tastes like. So, Mr. Freud, I’m not trying to replace meat at all. Let me ask you this, do you eat meat because you miss eating all those fake meat products? Huh, smarty?
Q: If everyone just stopped eating meat, what would happen to all the cows? They’re only here to be eaten.
A: They’d probably make kick-ass pets. And just think how happy they’d be knowing no one’s going to torture them or take their children away or kill them after driving them in packed metal trucks through scorching heat. Oh and the wonder of walking Elsie through the neighborhood on her designer collar and leash. Paradise, I tell ya, paradise.
Q: So I take it you’re against hunting? You know, if we don’t go out and hunt to keep the population down, they’ll starve to death. You don’t want that, do you?
A: Yes, I am against hunting unless maybe you’re in the cross hairs. The population of wild animals starves because we keep grabbing more of their land for our god-awful, ugly ass, gigantic, energy-inefficient homes. And, Mother Teresa, since you are so sympathetic toward starving animals, maybe we could start killing off all the starving children in the overpopulated parts of the world. Surely, if you want to help various animal species, you would want to do the same for humans? Right?I don’t necessarily agree with all of the responses and how sassy they were, but it was worth a laugh.