Posts Tagged ‘Thoughts’

The End

Well it’s 11:25pm on the 31st December Qatari Local Time.

All of my best friends are already sleeping/passed out back in Australia after celebrating new years eve.
I’m currently sitting in my parent’s apartment, third floor watching daggy movies by myself in my pajamas.
I cooked my own dinner and am awaiting my parents return – estimating about 12:30 because they don’t really party.

For some reason I decided not to go out tonight. It’s wierd. Last year I was all about celebrating the start of a new year. This year I am very indifferent. It’s just another day right?

So why am I here typing this… and why have so many before me, reflected on the year that was.

We all had high expectations. It was going to be a great year. We should have known that from the way it started, it wasn’t to be.

The great new years party held by Dorcia that everyone we knew was going to, ended prematurely at 1:30am. The building had to be clear by 2.
So my new year started wearing an oversized green nightie borrowed from a friends sister, sleeping next to Bob at Fob’s house, and watching a Hannah Montana marathon.

2008 held for me, many trips and sleep overs out of Perth. I retreated to Margaret River at least three times and caught some excellent waves. Some shows down at Bunbury staying at the infamous Prince of Wales Hotel. Camping in Walpole twice (both times in Winter), whilst I had glandular fever and only to find my tent had a leak in it.

I travelled to Melbourne the most out of anywhere, settling at 4 times – I just can’t seem to get enough of that place and the beautiful people there. Canberra twice, Newcastle twice, Sydney twice, Adelaide once, and Brisbane/Byron Bay/Catherine Hill Bay/Surfers Paradise and Moroochydore once.

Definite Highlights was the Extortion Tour in January with the best show being in Sydney at the Empire. Thrush, White Male Dumbinance, Homewrecker, Jungle Fever, AVO and Extortion. A guy in a wheelchair stage dived for goodness sake during extortion. Close second was the Melbourne Arthouse show of the same Extortion Tour. 731, SJN, Agents of Abhorrence, Jaws (their last show ever), Mindsnare and Extortion playing. This was my one and only time at seeing Mindsnare play at the Arthouse and what a show it was. I remember Rohan being shit scared to play a set after them, but Extortion delivered.

I learnt a lot on that trip. Even more so when I got back. Tall poppy syndrome, how people cannot be trusted, and how promiscuous boys will lie and spread rumours about girls who refuse to step down to their level and sleep with/make out with them.

Other shows which were highlights for me this year was the Blacklisted tour. The only shows I didn’t do on this tour was Queensland – because the people I was travelling with couldn’t afford it. Blacklisted were super nice and put us on the door for all shows, including hardcore AA and 18+ in Sydney. Best memory, was George giving Brooke Listed and I the mic and letting us sing an entire song at their last Australian show – Sydney HC AA.

I got to know some awesome people even more – thank you Brooke and Morgan and Sam. I love you.
And thank you to those who gave me a place to stay – Darren, and Willy and Benny Temper.

Have Heart AA Sideshow at HQ Skatepark was amazing, as was Shipwreck AD at the same venue. Both frontmen have a lot of good things to say, and I got to have some really decent conversations with them both.

How can one ever forget the last Ruiner show. It was held at the Hydey and will always be remembered bitter sweetly. Just before Ruiner played their shortened set of 6 songs(they had to jump on a plane), we all learnt that a good friend of ours had taken his life. The show went on, and I can honestly say that that set was the most passionate and emotional set I have ever been a part of. They put everything in it, as the friend that we the locals had lost, was a friend they had been touring with for the past two weeks.

I’ve learnt a lot of things this year. That life is too short to take things for granted. That I have the most amazing close friends imaginable. That I love my brother more than words can ever explain. That I am finally not afraid of my father. That i should look after myself a lot more, and make sure I am well – before bending over backwards for others. That people are fickle and the world is filled with flaws. That I will never be perfect – but it won’t stop me from continually trying to work on my weaknesses. That I am extremely sappy and mushy when it comes to puppies, and animals.

I have been through so much and continue to do so. I still have the whole immigration thing over my head and the uncertainty of knowing where I will be living tomorrow or the next day. I am still mourning the terrible deaths of 3 who were close who left this world before their time was truely up. Some stresses of this year have been cleared up in the last few weeks which will certainly make a huge difference, and I have medical results proving that my ill health of 2008 was due to having Glandular Fever, and not because of my dietary choice to live a Cruelty Free Life. I’ve stayed true to my beliefs and have no regrets. You won’t find any one night stands from this girl. I try to see the good in people, I try to love them for who they are.

I’m older, and wiser, slightly more jaded but a lot more stronger.
There are still so many things that I have to look forward to in my life, and I can’t wait for them, and to share them with someone special.

I refuse to make new years resolutions because I believe we should be continually improving ourselves, rather than only thinking about it, one measly day of the year (although it got Mom to quit smoking last year and I am ever so grateful – it’s been exactly one year now – smoke free 🙂

It is now 12:20am Qatari Local Time.
The new year has begun and I don’t know about you but I’m hoping for one full of adventure, happy memories, one of achievements, building relationships and living life to the fullest.

Thank you for reading – I bid you Adieu.

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Once Again

4am. Wide Awake. 5th Night Running.

I am no longer a child of the light.

Darkness engulfs me.
Sleep eludes me.
The tick tock of my cranium works in overdrive.

No comfort

No companionship

Nowhere to go.
Nothing but silence.

Nothing but Stillness.

 

My eyes are heavy, my heart is troubled.
This world lacks heart.

Isolation
Staring at that dark black ceiling
Nothing but my thoughts to bide the time.

Currently Listening to Circa Survive

Routine Overload.

Some people thrive on routine. I, on the other hand despise it. 

Give me spontaneity and mystery anyday.

As each day tolls, another day from my lifespan disappears.
What do we waste our time doing?

The mundane, the boring, the numbing repeats.

And for what? Where does it end? What is it all for?

Why are we all here?

 Currently listening to the album, Takk.

Signs on our Foreheads

It’s almost like we have an invitation just sitting there, saying..

” Go on, do your best to try and hook up with us. We are really looking forward to it, and this is the only reason why we are not at home, and in a public place.”

Overconfident and persistent male strangers are really getting me down. I can safely say that they ruined a perfectly good night for me. If a girl says she doesn’t want to dance, don’t follow her around for the next four hours giving her compliments, trying to make sweet talk and then still trying to grab her hand and dance.

This goes out to those 6 annoying guys from Friday night who wouldn’t leave me alone, and any other boy who may read this who has perhaps been guilty of this behaviour in the past.

 There are plenty of girls out there who are more than happy to dance with, and make out with perfect strangers, but I’m sorry – I’m just not one of them, and I’d rather be dancing with my friends. 

Maybe I’m being too harsh and should give them a chance, or maybe guys should be less driven by alcohol and hormones if they are actually looking for a keeper. A good starting point is trying to make genuine conversation and not trying to grope and go for the pash. I’d be a lot more impressed by that, and a know a whole bunch of other fine ladies who would be too.

Then everyone will be winners.

The Harsh Realisation

I am so far from where I want to be.

This situation has arose as a direct result of unfavourable circumstance, an inability to trust and perhaps a dash of procrastination. The ever increasing weight of the probability of self fulfillment steadily has a negative impact on my ability to view the world in a favourable light, to remain uncynical and preserve my continuity in my desire to hope, to dream and to move forward. The emptiness grows and beckons as it continues to swallow the little of that which I hold dear.

Currently listening to The Juliana Theory

Hello World

This is me….

And how it feels to be empty.

Blast from the Past

I got your email today.

All it said was

“I miss you”.

3 simple words, so innocent just lying there

Well there is more to it than that.

I drove 8 hours to see you.
I nearly got stranded in a foreign state through missing my plane to see you.
I cut visits to some older friends to see you just for 15 minutes in your home town.
I had the most intense and most emotional conversation in my life with you.
I opened up to you and told you how I felt about you almost two months ago – even when my head told me not to.

The sound of your voice made me smile, glow…. beam.
A bad day seemed bearable, just by looking at a photo of you being you, surfing – skating – alone on a beach – hanging with your mates.
I anticipated our phone calls, or getting an sms or having a little comment waiting for me when I got home and checked the net.

I had fallen hard – which I never do. I told you all this. I told you so much – I had never told anyone before. I showed you the real me.

But you shut me out. Pulled yourself away into isolation.
You never gave me a chance to have a say. You never took my feelings into consideration.
Maybe if we lived in the same city, things would have been easier to deal with…. but we don’t. And it wasn’t.

You tell me I am amazing, and that you are blessed to have me in your life.
You’ll send me text messages telling me that you has been thinking about me lots lately.

But whenever I try to call you, you never pick up.
Never.
Even though I know you are there.

You will just send an informal message saying, sorry I missed your call. I heard it ring, saw it was you, I but didn’t feel like talking.

How am I supposed to feel?

“I miss you”

Yeah and?? How am I supposed to react? What am I supposed to be feeling?
I don’t know if I can trust you and let you in again.

You were in a bad place, (this I know and I hated it) and I worried… boy did I worry…
Not because I am a worrier… but because i fucking care so much.

You told me not to, but I was still the person you would call and break down to on the phone , when your “little brother” got senselessly killed. When you were confused. When you were unhappy.
I was the one who was always there. Who never doubted you. Who never judged you. Who cared about you, just the same.

And now?

“I miss you”

Now what? I’ve been trying to move on, forget you. I don’t know if things will ever be the same… or ever be as good… but when it comes down to it.

I miss you too.

and it sucks.

Currently listening to As Cities Burn – The Widow